A Man Twice Blessed |
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Ladies and Gentlemen, |
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It is my distinct honor and privilege to be here before you speaking on behalf of my mother-in-law on her 65th birthday. We live in a world where it is rare that a son-in-law would be able to relate such high praise, more rare that he would be asked to do so. But my life was twice blessed now some 20 years ago for, when I freely pledged my honor and joined in marriage, I recieved not one but two priceless treasures where many men must suffer their lives and do with none. My life has truely been blessed and it is my pleasure to share a few examples of just what I mean when I say this. My Mother-in-law is a treasure for me, not because we are exactly alike. Actually, it would be difficult to find on this earth two people more unalike than she and I. I treasure her in my life because of her habit, from the moment we two first met, of treasuring our differences and deeply respecting them. Her relationship with me, lovingly accepting and consistant across the years, has slowly worn away at many of the old feelings I once held so dearly. I am proud and moved to tell you tonight that her consistant kindness and acceptance of me, across many years, is directly responsible for slowly smoothing so many of my youthful 'rough edges'. She has always intuitively understood that a person's personal code can neither be 'beaten into' them nor 'beaten out of' them. The best teacher teaches not from words but from example. I stand before you all today, proud of the woman that has taught me so much about life, about modern buzzwords like "unconditional love", and about age-old "family values" like kindness, empathy and respect. I truely wish nothing more and nothing less for myself and for each of you than to learn from her actions and find the joy of applying those lessons in your own lives with the ones that you hold most dear to your own hearts. Let me just stop here and say 'Thank-you'. <Applause> But how shall I show you what I mean? Obviously by picking a few examples, from the now nearly twenty-five years that we share, to show how my life has been blessed by her being a part of it. |
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I remember a long ago day, and I'm sure some of
you out there do too, when my now wife and I were first dating. We
had known each other less than a year, and we were still three long
years away from becoming husband and wife. The day I am recalling, of
course, is my own seventeenth birthday.
Now I was still a relatively new member of my adopted family, and it
would be hard to find two families more different than the one where
I was raised as a child and the one that I joined with upon marriage.
In simplest terms, my new family is extremely outgoing, very
personable, quick to laugh loud and speak up joyously. Celebrations
come easily and often throughout their year. My other family is
private. Very private. We, too, laugh loud but only after we get to
know somebody and learn much about them. Of course, I can freely move
between these two and enjoy each for their special way of showing
'love'. My wife can tell you some stories (please don't honey) about
early holiday visits to 'my side' that took her several years to even
understand and several more to come to appreciate. Now add to this
situation that I was dating a girl seriously for the first time in my
life, and all of the shyness attributeable to that fact. Finally, mix
in my natural adolescent discomfort at having any undo attention
focused my way by anyone at all.
Well the subject of having a typical 'birthday bash' came up, quite
obviously, one day at the kitchen table. Using my adolescent words
and my adolescent ways to express my adolescent feelings, I could
barely bleat out that I 'didn't want a fuss' made for me. The loving
woman, whom we honor tonight, must have thought me to be an exile
from a different planet! She had surely never met a young man like
me, and could probably not fathom how or why I felt the way I did,
that long ago day.
But did that stop her? No way! Sure, she hadn't really gotten to know
the 'real me' yet, but her 'heart of gold' kicked in in an instant.
"No fuss"? Okay! She just smiled and shook her head (I
remember the loving look in her eyes that day) and promised that she
would honor my request even though she could not possibly understand
it. That puzzled smile is a memory to last a shy young man for a lifetime.
She told me that day how birthday celebrations were important to her,
and how she had passed her feelings onto her daughters. She told me
how she hoped that I would find myself able to celebrate her
forthcoming birthday (which I could and did). She even told me that
she was a little let down, being denied the chance to show me just
how life is full of joys. But then she told me the most important
thing she could on that long ago day, she told me, quite simply, that
she would respect my wishes, and set aside her own differing personal
feelings. This is the type of honest, open, and deep love that this
woman has always shown to me, and to everybody in her life. Well when my big day arrived, I had braced myself for the worst. I just knew that balloons and ribbons were going to greet me. Worse yet, I really suspected the age-old 'end around' of having a 'surprise party', thereby stomping on my youthful desires for privacy and forcing me to capitulate to a noisy public humiliation. But there was nothing! |
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Well that is not true. |
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She looked up casually from the table, where she was serving out dinner, and said simply, 'Oh, there you are', and putting down the food, gave me a quiet hug, the smallest kiss, and nearly whispered 'Happy Birthday' in my ear. You might imagine that I was struck dumb by her respect of me and the suddenly obvious silliness of my request. I certainly did have a lot of growing up to do, and this woman's kind and gentle hand was going to be there to help me every step of the way. After dinner, she waited for me to be alone by myself, then caught my attention and escorted me off to her bedroom where she shut the door and sat me on the bed. From a secret drawer, she pulled out a small gift wrapped package which, overcome with emotion that day and this one, I opened to find a small book of encouraging sayings. I'm not surprising any of you to say that I cried that day, like I do right now, at the kindness and respect I received. That memory has lasted me a lifetime. And do you know the rest of the story? When next year rolled around, I asked for a 'simple party' (and got it). It was the year that we were first married that I finally made the complete transformation and, to this day, my heart at my birthday feels warmest when we celebrate in the exact same way that my adopted family had been doing for years. That is what I mean by patiently 'sculpting' my soul. |
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But there is, of course, more. |
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Years later I came to a point that the commercialism of Christmas had all but snuffed out the spiritual feelings that I personally need to recharge myself for the coming year. I was sad, and each television commercial and jingle and newspaper suppliement served only to make me sadder that year. It was my wonderful wife that put my life back into perspective with a change that, once again, was completely foreign to our guest of honor tonight. On my next birthday, my wife announced that I would be getting no presents. She was taking my 'birthday money' and investing it in toys for the tiny residents of the lukemia ward at the local children's hospital. Not only that, she informed me, but we would be doing the shopping together and making the delivery on my special day. Furthermore, I was told, there would be no 'fancy restaurant dinner'. We would be stopping for sub sandwiches on the way, and the difference in proceeds would be pooled with the rest and fill that gift bag just that much fuller. Need I tell you, that was the best birthday ever. No steak, no cake ever tasted so good as those sandwiches and no tickets to any play or movie were ever so heartwarming as the show I both saw and acted a role in that long ago day. It was, without a doubt, the best birthday I had ever had, and I would like to take a moment here to thank the special woman (who is my wife) that thought so carefully about what made me me, that even I didn't know what she knew about my heart. <applause> So why do I tell you this story? Because you can guess the rest! Not a birthday, not a Christmas, (and sometimes at Easter and the 4th of July) does the woman we honor tonight let pass without granting my wish, a wish that at one time I didn't even know I had. And here is the main point I am trying to make. She does not feel this way herself! Not a bit. Not an iota. My mother-in-law has always held the exact opposite feeling about holidays! For her holidays are most filled with joy by the very act of buying and giving gifts directly to the special people in her life as part and parcel of a boisterous celebration. She truely could be no more opposite from me in this regard. But does this color her actions? Not one dot! Time after time she has done for me (and there is nothing special about it because she does it every day for everyone she meets) the most precious thing. She has listened to me and she has respected my uniqueness. There has never been any effort by her to alter me to be more like her vision of what I might desire or what I might detest. She has lovingly accepted me completely, and then adapted her actions toward me to my wishes. |
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Now each and every one of you knows what happens when you are respected, you respect the other person all the more. When you are listened to, you listen to them. When you are honored, you honor right back, only making sure you pay in full and with interest. So I smile to think of all the joy she has brought me and the pride I feel to think of how the more special this all is because it is between us, a son and mother-in-law, certainly a rarity among marriages and the reconfigured extended families that accompany those sacred vows. Any person can claim to 'love' another, under conditions where the other adhers to a strictly imposed code and meets delineated personal requirements. But it was not that kind of shallow and false love that was showered upon me. No. I recieved the genuine love that is given when the giver doesn't 'understand' but doesn't need to understand. The quiet love, the gentle love, the love that lasts a lifetime and leads a man to stand up here and speak tonight. |
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Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a woman deserving your honor and your praise. I give you the woman who, so unlikely, has slowly but surely made me much of the man that I am today. I give you the second treasure that come into my life on the day I was married. I present to you my Mother-in-Law. Now mom, if you'll come up here for a minute, I think I have something here in my pocket..... |
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Copyright, 1999, All rights reserved |
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First Upload: April 16, 2000 |