The Sacred Wedding Vow |
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Dear Mom, |
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It is with great irony that your actions in the last couple of days have forced several issues to a head, resulting in my writing this note. And yes, it was your calling and harassing Lyn on the telephone, about your petty perceived hurts and harms, that started all of this. Of course the irony is that today is exactly twenty years since I first promised my worldly possessions, my income, my wit and wisdom, my heart and soul to your daughter. If I had known then what I know today would I have made such a cavalier offer that I have followed faultlessly for now two decades? It is hard to say. I am afraid that my father was right in the advice he gave to me when I first told him of my intent to take your daughter on as my wife. He told me the obvious fact, one that I was totally blind to at that young age, that a man marries both the daughter and the mother. That the wife and mother-in-law are inseparable. And that every young man should look hard at his girlfriend’s mother before offering to commit his entire lifetime to a particular young woman. Of course, such wisdom is wasted on the young. |
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So it was 20 years ago that I began a commitment that is still in effect today. I committed to, let me see, love, honor, and obey, through sickness and health, for better and for worse until death do us part. Those are pretty big promises. Some say that in these modern times they just don’t mean what they used to mean. Some feel that a marriage is like trying out a new sofa, if it doesn’t work toss it out and get a new one. Some feel that nobody makes a "total commitment" to marriage in the 1990’s. Hey, they say, everybody’s doing it. Honor, cherish, financial security and sexual fidelity are viewed as conveniences to many people these days. Many people, even our president, will try to split hairs about what they committed to in marriage. So it is so funny to hear you whine to the grown woman (who 20 years ago was your charge) that you "never" hear good things from me or her about what a "good Mother" or "good mother-in-law" you are and were. Of course, you love to talk about "always" and "never". You banter about "always" and "never", waving them like a flag of hurt. I am smart enough not to enter any conversation that you start with those words. Of course, your personal favorite is invoking either "Jesus Christ" or "Adolph Hitler", depending on the point you're trying to make, just like your own mother used to do. |
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But what kind of mother and mother-in-law are you? And what kind of husband have I been to the daughter that you are so begreived by in recent days. Does she "never" call you? What reason do you give her to do so? Am I "never" grateful? For what should I feel that way? Are you "not invited" to be a guest in our home? Are we "rude" to you? Does Lyn "remember incorrectly" (meaning "lie" and "make up stories") and can her feelings and opinions therefore be discarded out of hand by you and by the others to whom you repeat that hurtful accusation? How could your own daughter possibly be so "ungrateful"? Like your own mother, you are so sad in a world full of joy. These are tricky questions, and the answers will probably be unpleasant. I have learned that only the most open-minded person can accept unsolicited advice or disagreeable opinions. It has been my experience with you that even hinting of an original thought or differing attitude in life is just cause to be blasted by each tool in your arsenal: first to outright deny the thought, then to shop the disagreeable opinion to others so that they might parrot your denial, then to be called rude, then to work one spouse against the other (considered a sin in some religions), then to cry, then invoke "Dad" (usually in tears). Mom, have any of these childish techniques worked? In the twenty years since Lyn and I were married, on the hundreds of occasions where your differing opinion was considered and discussed (and often adopted) by us, was it because you used any of these petty, childish, manipulative, powerless techniques against us? Quite simply, no. You ask what I want, but when I tell you, you discard it out of hand. I will tell you again here, although this effort will surely fail like the dozens of previous efforts I have made in the past. I want you to treat Lyn, and to treat me like "adults". Like "equals". Like people whose opinion matters to you and, if you don’t agree with, then you can at least respect. People whose differences are not shopped around to be proved "wrong", but are simply accepted with amusement and joy. Until you can personally accept our differences without feeling threatened or called upon to change them, we will have a strained relationship or worse. |
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Have you ever dealt with somebody just like you (besides your own mother)? I can’t image so! Am I the only person in the world who feels this way toward you? Again, I can’t image so. I am sure that you are ready to swear on the highest possible stack of bibles that "nobody" dislikes you, that you are constantly told by others that you are a source of constant joy. But you seem unable to apply the common sense notion that any person that finds you (or anyone else) unbearable simply looks away and crosses the street when they see you coming. Of course, people that enjoy your personality will freely spend their time with you, and praise you for your company. Many people would find your strong personality and confident attitude in life are tolerable (even enjoyable) for brief periods, like at a party or picnic. On the other hand, it is unbearable to hear the same tune, over and over, for decades upon decades! Finally, many people are like lambs, lacking self-esteem, lacking independent thought, lacking imagination. Such two-dimensional people are starving in the desert for loud and opinionated "leaders". These sheep fall in line and march anywhere, thankful that they don’t have to think or talk or listen for themselves. I am constantly saddened by how many people fit into this last category. So think for a moment about the people that you naturally gravitate toward, that fawn and praise you, that love to be with you. Are any of them like me?
You know the answer. "No", you have said dozens if not hundreds of times, you do not know of anybody like me. Does it make sense that my attitude toward life is rare? After much analysis, I am convinced that it is indeed rare. But am I the ONLY person like me, or simply the ONLY person that you know? Ask yourself this simple question: If a person, exactly like me, met you at work or a party, was forced to interact with you regularly (to use your standard: DAILY!). How long until an independent, self-confident person (that didn’t happen to marry your daughter) would rather do anything than spend time hearing about their faults and shortcomings? Ask yourself that. |
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What do people want from others? As I have said, some (lambs) want to be lead blindly. They long for it. Most people want to simply relax with friends and share stores. To listen and to be listened to. Nobody on earth will tell you that they, when expressing a thought or opinion, want to be told later that their opinion or idea was shopped around and "discovered" to be wrong. That behavior is ridiculous in the extreme and the notion that it is somehow appreciated is delusional. You certainly never appreciated your mother doing it to you, and I was under the misimpression that you consequently swore to never act that way to your own grown daughters. |
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If a 5-year-old told you that the neighbor wanted to give him a puppy, you might call the neighbor to learn the actual story. It might become "a mother's duty" to explain to the 5-year-old that either there was no available puppy or that "Daddy doesn’t want us to have a puppy". That is a normal part of raising small children. When a 15-year-old tells you that they intend to cut their hair a certain way or wear certain clothes, some parents will fight tooth and nail and others will quickly give in to the child. If that same 15-year-old wants to have a body piercing or buy a motorcycle with "my money", here the parent would probably draw a line. It would become "a mother's duty" to invoke their parental authority and responsibility toward that child, and decide unilaterally for them what will or will not occur. But what about when the "child" is eighteen, nineteen, and twenty years old? Some parents give a lot of freedom, relying on their now adult child's judgement. Other parent tie the leash tight, keeping the child pinned down and underfoot. “As long as you live under my roof ...” those parents will say, their word is law. But what about when the child moves out? When they promise to love, honor, and cherish another? Do you remember hearing the words “What God has put together let no man put asunder”? What do those words mean to you? Is it ok to tell your daughter that their spouse is abusing them? is brainwashing them? is holding them prisoner? Is it ok to broadcast a theory that they are drugging your child to keep them incommunicado from you? Shall you naturally offer safe harbor to your grown daughter and young grandchild from that monster? Are you allowed to accuse that he is irresponsible, reckless, and poses a danger to them, even when they disagree with your opinion and specifically ask you to restrain yourself from voicing it? What should those adult children do or say to you when you invoke the fantastic invention of "a Mother's duty" and state that you shall retain that unilateral "authority" in their lives until the day you die? Shall they step aside and hand you their reigns? You did that for your own mother, but you hated every minute of it. When you were my age, you acquiesced to your mother's ill-tempered demands and tolerated her mean spirited comments and accusations against you and your family. But you certainly never appreciated it, and never loved her more for doing it. Even though you rarely voiced the notion directly to your mother, you instinctively knew that you were an adult and therefore responsible for the choices you make and for the care of your own children. Your mother, while still their grandmother, was naturally supposed to play a secondary role (to you) in your own life and that of your children. To pretend to follow her instructions (what you call "respecting your elders") and responding with kindness to her often venomous words fulfilled your personal childhood promise. But I certainly made no such promise to be kind to you if you were hurtful or to look the other way if you were undermining my marital or parental relationships. A matter of fact, I made Lyn make the exact OPPOSITE promise to me. Lyn promised me that, one way or the other, there would be no "Bad Granny" in our married life. |
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Yes, mom, what about when that so-called "child" is twenty-five, thirty, thirty-five, and forty years old? What a magical day today is. Lyn was twenty when we married, and another twenty years have elapsed since our wedding day. She has now been my charge, my partner, my wife longer than she was you charge, your responsibility, your problem. Is she still your daughter? Yes, she is and she will always be. But what privileges come to a parent as a birthright and what privileges are based on the child being a minor, or being financially dependent and requiring room and board? Do you have a model for children growing up and moving on with their own independent lives, allowing you to live your own separate life? You are looking it right in the face and have been fighting tooth and nail for now 20 years. Somewhere in there, you have forgotten the big picture, the long run, the overall objective. It seems difficult for you to view life from someone else's perspective. Lyn and I are husband and wife for twenty years today. Jesse, obviously your grandchild, is our child. If my parents or Nick's parents had acted with even one-tenth the malice to your daughters as you have showed toward their sons, you would cackle like a hen and put together a plan for your chicks. But that is my point. You have no chicks. |
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Life is a series of episodes, like chapters in a book. Each chapter is related to the others, but is separate. When a man quits or is fired for a job, the employer does not expect him to report to work in the morning. When a minister is transferred out of a church, he has a new life, new work to do. He may, in passing, keep in touch with the old parishioners, but not at the level of when he was their minister. It is natural for a parent to feel hurt or lost when a child grows up and moves off, starting an exciting new life on their own. But a parent would be poisonous to that child to undermine their independence, to manipulate with guilt and shame to keep their adult offspring in a subservient childhood role. That parent would be guilty of the worst form of child-abuse, abuse very typical and even bragged about by some; they would be guilty of the sin of being more interested in themselves than their child. You have been told dozens of times that you are lacking the tools to adapt to and appreciate your independent adult children. This is so funny to watch as your own husband has them down cold. You need to work to develop these skills, you needed to develop them 25 years ago, and if you won’t see a counselor (since you don't "believe" in counseling) then could read any one of hundreds of self-help books on this subject. You have a wonderful life! But are so tied up in your sense of loss that you cannot enjoy it! Your daughter has been protected, provided for, loved and cared for for now two decades. You have been given a grandson to love and enjoy. Sadly, my father’s advice given so long ago to me might have also been given to your own husband. What if Dad had looked at your own Mother, a women so beset by bitterness that no joy might ever penetrate her hardened heart? He certainly might have thought twice about his youthful choice if he knew what future it would bring him. I told you before Lyn and I were married that the relationship between you two and your mother was poisonous. I told you that Dad’s saintly patience and deference to your mother would not be repeated by me to her or by me to you. You can neither hope nor expect to have the daily deep detail interaction, involvement, or direction into our marriage that your own mother took (and was granted by you) in yours. I told you so then, I will tell you so again now, and I will stand by that vow so long as we both shall live. |
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You are my Mother-in-Law. You are Lyn’s mother. You are Jesse’s grandmother. You cannot hope to repeat the relationship between Granny and Dad, Granny and you, Granny and the child-aged Lyn. And it is "a husband's duty" and "a father's duty" for me to see that you don't. You should not wish for that relationship. You should not hope to even scent the air with suspicion of expecting that degree of toleration from us. When Granny died, so too died the imperial house of the Queen Mother. The dynasty has been over since the morning of her funeral. You tolerated your mother in a way I never did. In my home and marriage, you are entitled to the same relationship Lyn and I had with your mother, not the relationship you and Dad tacitly agreed to accept at her hands. You make fun of Nick's mom and of my Mother. You like to say that you "don't understand" them (a phrase you use to disguise your basic unwillingness to accept a differing outlook on life). I hear a rumor that Dad's mother, before I met her, was at times dominant, opinionated and controlling. Of course I can make no comment about the years in your life before my arrival. However, by the time I met Lyn and up until Granny's death, it was common in your family to refer to "Good Granny" and "Bad Granny" and for everybody to know exactly who was being spoken of and why. Which "Granny" are you? |
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"Good Granny" had many personality features that were both endearing to me at the time and sadly missed today. She accepted me totally and loved me unconditionally. She never once said to me that I was rude, that I was neglectful, that I was stupid or dangerous. From each story I told, whether happy or sad, she found the kernel of happiness, and told me time after time how I would grow up to be a fine young man and a good provider to Lyn. Your Mother? Hah! She acted just like you! Always whining and conniving and making things her business where she should have kept her nose out. Always stirring up trouble where none belonged. If Dad’s opinion was different than her’s, she was the first to undercut and undermine her own son-in-law. If she didn’t understand what somebody was doing, it wasn’t an incentive to her to learn more about them to better appreciate them. No, it was an obvious justification to call them wrong, and then to shop around that pronouncement with anybody that would listen. Just like you, she could always find somebody to agree with her that the other was wrong. With a flourish, she could then call the person back and tell them that "Everybody" thinks they are wrong and they should act as she pleased in the first place. Now there is a mother-in-law to love! And she was always the first to say that she was being neglected (can you imagine that?), that nobody respected her (how could that be?), but you know that she was maddest that her own grandchildren "loved their dog more than their grandmother". But the answer was obvious to everybody (but to her, and it seems, to you). The dog had the decency to do his business in the backyard. "Bad Granny" was always the first to explain that she was helping you improve yourself. And she was the only one who believed that nonsense. "Good Granny", in the days that I knew her, always saw the good in everybody and everything. Lyn and I would make special trips to see her, and bought a house in west Dearborn specifically to be near her. To this day I am saddened that she would not come to live in our home in her final days. I loved her then and miss her now that much. "Bad Granny"? Yeah, well, she bought us a grandfather clock, so we think of her whenever we wind it. She changed her outlook at the end, when she figured out her time was numbered. But for so many years she was tied up and drowning in her own bitterness. And she poisoned everybody she touched. And like you, she would be the first to tell you that she had dozens of friends that considered her to be a delight. Only her family (your family) suffered her punishment. |
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So Lyn and I are now married 20 years, and you have a life full of joys to enjoy and share. You have daughters, and sons-in-law, and grandchildren to be proud of. Feel the pride for real, not the false lip service like your mother paid to your children before delivering her cutting bile. Bask in the glory of having finished the job of raising your children and now no longer needing to concern yourself with their daily coming and going. Let all of that go, and enjoy your twilight years. Today, re-read the wedding vows (attached) and the wedding song (attached) and vow to see that your daughter has grown up. Do today in your heart what you might have done, should have done, exactly twenty years ago today. Sit back and enjoy the knowledge that your job is done, and that you have done everything for your children that you could have done. Move on to your next life chapter. Accept your grown children without question and without reservation. Celebrate them for what they are, and give up on the failed urge to mold them into something that you want. May God bless you, Mom, and help you honestly hear the gift that I am trying one more time to give to you. |
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Dearly Beloved: We are gathered here, in the presence of God and of this company, that Dave and Lyn may be united in holy matrimony. We are here to celebrate and share in the glorious act that God is about to perform - the act by which He converts their love for one another into the holy and sacred estate of marriage. This relationship is an honorable and sacred one, established by our Creator for the welfare and happiness of mankind, and approved by the Apostle Paul as honorable among all men. It is designed to unite two sympathies and hopes into one; and it rests upon the mutual confidence and devotion of husband and wife. May it be in extreme thoughtfulness and reverence, and in dependence upon divine guidance, that you enter now into this holy relationship The apostle Paul compared the relationship between husband and wife to that between Christ and the church. Marriage is a decision of two individuals to share the same type of pure, Christian love described by Paul. 1 Cor 13:4-8, Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.... This kind of love enriches each part of life and marriage enriches love. Two lives, shared with this kind of love, can hold more fulfillment and happiness than either life alone.
David, do you take Lynette to be your wedded wife, to live together after God's ordinance in holy matrimony? Do you promise to love her, to honor and cherish her, in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health, and to be to her in all things a good and faithful husband as long as you both shall live? (David) "I do." Lynette, do you take David to be your wedded husband, to live together after God's ordinance in holy matrimony? Do you promise to love him, to honor and cherish him, in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health, and to be to him in all things a good and faithful wife as long as you both shall live? (Lynette) "I do." I, David, take thee, Lynette, to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part. According to God's holy ordinance, and thereto I pledge thee my faith. I, Lynette, take thee, David, to be my wedded husband. to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part. According to God's holy ordinance, and thereto I pledge thee my faith. Father in heaven, You ordained marriage for your children, and You gave us love. We present to You David and Lynette, who come this day to be married. May the covenant of love they make be blessed with true devotion and spiritual commitment. We ask that You, God, will give them the ability to keep the covenant they have made. When selfishness shows itself, grant generosity; when mistrust is a temptation, give moral strength; when there is misunderstanding, give patience and gentleness; if suffering becomes a part of their lives, give them a strong faith and an abiding love. Amen. What therefore God hath joined together, let no man put asunder. Forasmuch as Dave and Lyn have consented together in holy matrimony, and have witnessed the same before God and this company and have pledged their love and loyalty to each other, and have declared the same by the joining and the giving of rings, I, therefore, by the authority of the state, pronounce that they are husband and wife, in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. The Groom may now kiss the Bride. |
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He is now to be among you at the calling of your hearts
A man shall leave his mother and a woman leave her home,
Well then what's to be the reason for be-coming man and wife?
Oh the marriage of your spirits here has caused Him to remain |
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Mom, if you have read this far and not passed out or dropped dead or cried to Dad that your feelings are hurt, there is hope for you to have a happy and joyous life with us from this day forward. I will now give you a prayer, which you might consider a curse. I pray that each time you think of a person that is different from yourself and what you wish that other should be, each time you mouth opens to say "You don’t understand" or "I don’t understand", I pray that you tongue falls dead and your mouth goes dumb. In that moment of you wanting to instinctively tell the other, directly and indirectly, that you are right and they are wrong, I pray that your mouth will form the loving words, "please tell me more about yourself", "let me hear about your dreams", "let me learn about your life". And nothing else. This I pray for you, on the day that I have been married for twenty years. Dave. |
Copyright, 1999, All rights reserved |
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Originally Written: August 28, 1999 |